Category Archives: Marriage

My scale was ruling my life

Yes, I said it. My scale… a 20 dollar, digital box that I would stand on every morning ruled my life. The number that came up would determine if I have a good or bad day. It sat so perfectly on my bathroom floor and could strip me of any amount of joy in a matter of seconds.
Each morning I would remove all my clothing. I did not want anything adding even an extra ounce to me. And regardless of what it told me I would exam myself in the mirror and go over every area that I felt needed improvement. My back, my legs, of course my stomach. Nothing was flat enough, thin enough, good enough.

I was a pro at dieting. I would go on any fad diet I would hear about. I would think to myself, “they need me as a spokes person, I make this look easy.” But the truth is I made it look sick. I didn’t realize how sick at the time. I could go three days at this point without eating. Friends starting voicing concern. Telling me I was getting scary thin. Yet there were still others who I wanted to notice and didn’t. I could not eat without throwing up and I knew people saw me and heard me. I wanted them to care… wanting (maybe even needing) that attention intensified my illness.

I was also in a depressive state. I could feel and see my life unravelling around me. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was going through a divorce and I would cry and cry. My sons would visit and I couldn’t keep it together. The hardest thing was seeing them afraid. It was at this point that I knew they needed to stay with their father until I could pull it together. And to add to it, missing them caused me to mourn for them. It got to where I would hide in bed and wasn’t eating at all. My heart hurt, my body was weak. I wasn’t even sure why I was still here… It was God’s grace that kept me alive. I didn’t feel I had a purpose anymore. I had become so self involved I was only thinking of myself the majority of the time. Something needed to change. Anorexia had consumed me and it was killing me mentally and physically.

To be continued…

The military and mental health disorders

Today is Veteran’s day and children are out of school and many others have the day off.
My Facebook news feed is overflowing with photos and statements of gratitude toward servicemen and everyone seems truly grateful until tomorrow when there is no longer a reminder to be grateful to those who have fought to protect this country.
I am not saying people aren’t truly thankful but there is little than can be said to those who have sacraficed. We know of the many soldiers that return wounded not just in body but in mind. Like my uncle who returned from the Vietnam war with an undiagnosed mental disorder that soon followed. My very own father had a mental breakdown while serving and mental illness soon took hold and he was given a disability discharge.

We proudly wear the title of “Land of the free and home of the brave” while we have become home of many military mentally ill. Are they brave? Yes! The bravest!! But our freedom has come at a great cost.

How many veterans are homeless in your city due to mental illness and who are we to say it is okay because we are free? Are we simply going to say it is the price we have to pay for freedom? Well, I am telling you that is not okay!

Many of our servicement are left in the balance because their mental issues aren’t considered severe enough. So these men and women are discharged from duty but are considered “chaptered” out for misconduct instead of getting the medical help that they need. This means a less than honorable discharge and no retirement, no student aid or medical benefits (that are promised to them at enlistment).

Often a generic code is used to discharge the men and women that have been released due to a mental health issue or disorder such as PTSD. Because of this there are no records of how many men and women are discharged from duty based on their mental health… which often results in a lack of followup care and medical mental health treatment for those who desperately need it.

We need to take a stand to ensure those that have been discharged from duty do not continue to have conditions that remain downplayed and untreated.

How can we help?

First, it is important to be educated on what is happening with our military and their mental health.

Second, be a voice and spread the word! The more we talk about the issues it brings awareness and can not so easily be swept under the rug.

Third, contact your Congressman or woman. Men and women who have enlisted to protect this nation should not lose their benefits from a diagnosis that is a result of serving this country.

More stories are coming out and though we are not where we need to be progress IS being made. We all need to be a part of the change. This affects those that serve, their families, and their friends.

I have only touched the tip of the iceburg with this topic. If you are interested in knowing more please look up and read the below posts.

http://www.npr.org/2015/10/28/451146230/missed-treatment-soldiers-with-mental-health-issues-dismissed-for-misconduct

http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/12/16/3604091/ptsd-veterans-benefits/

How can you love others if you can’t love yourself? It is simple, I just do.

My pastor recently shared a message on love that penetrated deep into my heart. All my life I have struggled with love. Not the love of others but loving myself. I have heard the saying multiple time... How can you love others if you can’t love yourself? It is simple, I just do.
I love others, my children, my husband and I do for others because that is what love does but when it comes to me I see every flaw. My lack of love for myself is not something I decided on one day… It was a gradual thing that I learned as a child. Don’t misunderstand me, I know there were people that loved me and there are many people who love me now but as a fragile child seeking love and affection I worked and worked for approval but didn’t find it. I had little to no contact with my mother who left me when I was a baby. I never understood how she could leave. I realize now that the struggle was within her and not me. And of course growing up with a schizophrenic father wasn’t easy. He stayed in his room or in the hospital and I grew up afraid to speak of his mental illness. I am not telling you this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am telling you this because children long to be loved and when they feel rejected and unwanted it determines how they will love and be loved as an adult. We need to show love and give love to our children and even to those who aren’t ours. You never know if they are receiving the love they need at home. Many are not.

Here are the points my pastor made. I hope they touch you too.

* Love that is given to someone without a guarantee of change or that they will love you back is love given in courage.

* Love has the power to catapult you past fear.

* Love makes you a conqueror.

*Learn you are valuable simply because you exist.

*God knows you and loves you better than anyone on your friend list.

*Find a friend that will stick with you in all your junk and in all your awesome.

I am learning to love myself and loving myself has been a conscious decision I have to make and then remind myself of everyday. Sadly it took a lot of time to get to this point and I still struggle and fight the negative thoughts daily but I want you to know that no matter what this life has programmed you to believe, “YOU ARE LOVED” We are in this journey together and loving and supporting each other is how we learn and grow. No matter what happens keep loving!!

Why I hide my depression

My mom tells me I was a strongwilled child. So as long as I can remember I have bucked against the system.
Go ahead and tell me I cannot do something and I will prove you wrong. Being strongwilled isn’t necessarily a terrible thing. Especially when it pushes you to be better. But there are times being extremely strongwilled or stubborn (let’s call it what it really is) can have its downfalls. Like those times you need help but you are so prideful you cannot accept it. Why? Because you should be a strong female that can handle her own.

Well, this mindset has not always been a good thing and has prevented me (many times) from admitting when I am struggling with depression.
I feel this sense of pride, this bullheadedness, that I should be able to hold my own. There have been times where my husband has asked me why I did not confide in him. Why did I not tell him I was having a hard time?

Below are some reasons why I often do not admit I am struggling and what I have learned about myself.

#1. I am a mom – my children need me.
Regardless of how I may feel I know I need to be there for my boys. This often results in me making a choice to put on a happy face and going with the flow instead of asking my husband or a friend for assitance.

#2. I have responsibilities.
I have things I need to get done. There are times I want to hide and veg out on the couch but who else is going to clean the house, grocery shop, and drop off and pick up kids from work and school?

#3. I am supposed to be the strong reliable one.
People are relying on me. Plus, many of my friends and family have struggles of their own. How can I add to their stress? I am supposed to be there for them and maybe they will feel I can no longer handle it.

#4. I am embarrassed.
Pride! There I said it. This should probably be #1. I do not want anyone to know about my struggles. I am supposed to be strong. How can I admit that I am weak and need help too?

The bible talks about pride being a downfall to man. (2 Chronicles 26:16)
I know I am only hurting myself when I react to depression with a prideful attitude. It is okay to say I am struggling.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Overall I am learning that it is okay to ask for help or even just admit that I cannot carry the weight of everyone all of the time. There are times I am weak.

I am allowed to tell a friend or family member I am overwhelmed and cannot help out or commit to an outing.
It is okay to confide in my husband about how I have been feeling down and out and just wanted to cry all day.
Most of all it is okay for me to not always be okay. I do not have to feel bad or make excuses for what I am experiencing. I can take the time to refocus and recoup. I am allowed to take care of myself and not feel bad about it.

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good (physical & mental) health, just as your soul prospers. (3 John 1:2 NASB)

These things never happen to me

I was numb at first, but now it is starting to hit me…
My childhood seemed to be filled with challenges and as an adult I have faced many things, but in recent years life seemed to glide along, uncomplicated. I am not saying I do not have hard days but I try to have a good attitude about things. I have been in a place where I do not tend to see things negatively. I try to be a positive person. Maybe I am.
Maybe everything IS dependant on our attitude and seeing life a certain way. I have seen things happen to others and at times those things have had an impact on me but I have not had anything happen to me personally in quit a while. I have had scares… Like the time I thought I was having a miscarriage and actually had torn a blood vessel in my stomach and baby was fine.
But this time… This time it was happening to me. Not a Facebook friend or a lady at church. It was happening to ME.
I read and signed the release that said once I was injected with radioactive dye I could not nurse my baby for 24 hours.
As I lay flat getting a PET scan to make sure I had no other masses, I knew this was real.
I have a melanoma… skin cancer.

I feel helpless

Sometimes the anger fills me up. Sometimes I get frustrated at my dad and then I am angry at myself for feeling angry. It can be a never ending cycle.

My father has a mental illness. At this point my dad who is 59 years old seems to have the understanding of a teenager. It is such a hard thing to explain. I don’t know if this is caused from him taking so much medication over the years for his schizophrenic episodes or if it is part of the progression of his mental illness.

He seems to keep getting himself into trouble. He calls me and he is upset over the next thing he has gotten caught up in and I feel helpless.

I feel helpless that he won’t listen to me and nothing I say changes his actions.

I feel helpless that I reach out to those I think are there to help him and there isn’t much that can be done.

I feel helpless that I am always concerned for my dad’s safety and wellbeing but there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel helpless and how I feel really doesn’t matter.

My father has lived with my family in the past but moves around a lot because of his paranoia. Right now he is back living with my grandmother – his mother. She is elderly and she gets extremely upset at him. They constantly argue because she wants to help him make good decisions and he seems to defy everything she says.

There are a lot of people over the years that have taken advantage of my father. One female had him returning stolen items to Wal-Mart and getting the cash in return. He also purchased her a car and took out several payday loans for her. He was sending her money while she was in jail and supported her and her family when she got out. She continued to tell my dad she would marry him while she was seen with other men.

Another woman mistreated my dad so badly that she would pull his hair and force him to do drugs (my father had never done drugs or alcohol). She did horrible things to him as he gave her money every week and drove her anywhere she wanted to go. She ALSO made promises of marriage to my father.

This last female also has a mental disability and is younger than I am. I am talking over 20 years younger than my father. My dad was married to her at one point but he feared for his life so they divorced after a little boy was conceived. This boy is now 10 years old and is also mentally disabled. This female blames my father saying his genes were bad. There have been constant fights as my dad has gone back and forth. She dangles the carrot (so to speak) in a constant effort to get money from him. The sad part is I have a brother I barely know and more children are involved.

I have come to the conclusion that my dad is lonely and I cannot control what my dad does. I talk to him and try and reason with him but that doesn’t seem to work. So, right now I just love him and I pray. I pray that he will make smarter decisions and that he will just be happy. I just want him to be happy because I know, really, that is what he is truly searching for.

And I pray that I can let go and stop being angry at my dad, at these women, and at myself and just be the supportive daughter that my dad needs me to be.

Me and my dad

Marriage – The good, the bad, and the ugly

I don’t think anyone is really prepared for marriage. Not really!! You can get married at 19 or 32… there is not a single person that goes into marriage knowing what it will really be like. Many of us even took classes to prepare us for a lifelong experience but nothing is close to living it out on a daily basis. We can prepare ourselves by reading books and being educated on the “what ifs” but truthfully you really do not know how you will respond when crap hits the fan until it happens.

Don’t get me wrong… there are so many amazing things about marriage. For one thing you have a lifelong partner who can and will be your best friend. In marriage you have a shoulder to lean on, a sense of belonging and security. You have someone to tell you that everything will be okay and sometimes just hold you and let you cry when you need it.

BUT…

When things get bad, they can get really bad.

AND…

When things get ugly, when people act ugly, it can get really ugly.

Stuff happens, life happens and it can be so bad sometimes that you start to think to yourself that there was no way that you signed up for this. There are failures, and sometimes things hurt you to the point you just want to walk away. Money gets tight and feelings get hurt. Rejection and other traumatic things happen. In some cases there is mental illness or a life threatening illness.

And then there are times you will fight… you will have knock out, dragged out fights.

Then there is sickness… and by sickness I mean imagine being married to someone that gets a bad case of the stomach flu. (Things can get messy and some things happen in marriage that you cannot and should not share with another person).

Marriage is life altering. So from the moment you give your life to another person you need to make a choice. A choice from the very start of your journey to establish in your own heart that marriage is a covenant, a promise you will uphold no matter what comes your way.

Bob and Audrey Meisner wrote in their book Your Supernatural Marriage that real, outward proof of a covenant life in action is the presence of genuine truth and honesty in the relationship between a woman and a man no matter the circumstances. These benefits include security, assurance, protection and hope (2006).

A covenant is a commitment to honor continually and completely to each other. It is choosing to be accountable to each other with such honesty that you learn to overcome failures and walk through difficulties together.

This is easy to say… and not always easy to do. This is put to test continually. We are not perfect people and we do not always live up to expectations. We mess up, fail, and make wrong decisions.

We have to choose to be accountable to each other and decide early (before you walk down the isle or even right now – if you are already married) that this is an agreement that cannot be broken. It is a commitment you are making for life.

When you make a decision from the very beginning to choose love… above all else, no matter what… you are then able to see past the bad and have confidence that even at rock bottom things can get better.

Someone once said to me, “When you hate him, find a reason to like him. When you only like him, find a reason to love him.”

I married at 19 and I failed my marriage because I thought the world was about me and my wants and needs. I did not see marriage as a lifelong commitment. I found out I was expecting and I thought it was a way to make things right. I look back now and I believe I could have survived every bit of garbage (his and mine) if I would have had the maturity. If I had taken it upon myself to practice love, it may have been different. If I had decided, “I am going to put into this relationship even if at this time you are unable to give back.”

I am now remarried and some ugly stuff has happened and we both could have walked away many times but we have taken a step back each time and saw potential in our marriage. There were times it took us bringing in a third party such as a counselor to see this. We even had one counselor tell us they could not help us (we were that much of a mess). But we did not give up and we sought out more help. And because we did not give up we learned that a marriage that is falling apart can be replenished and restored if two people are willing to put in the work.

Marriage might be the hardest thing you ever do and in seasons of fear and anger you may feel bombarded and overwhelmed with emotions, but if you fight for your marriage you will also discover it can be the most fulfilling, most satisfying, most beautiful commitment you will ever make.

Reference:

Meisner, B. & A., (2006). Your Supernatural Marriage, 49 & 65.

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